Guidelines for a Platonic Friendship

While I was "surfing" the web (looks like I've finally caught up with 90s lingo) I came across a set of Guidelines for Platonic Friendship. While it may have been written by a guy who seems to want to sleep with all his female friends and is all emo that they won't sleep with him, it did get me thinking that maybe some of these rules could be implemented in our group of friends -particularly the "punish by instant sex" bit. Anyway, I've decided to rewrite them (the original is in italics) because guys outnumber girls in the flat so we get to decide everything, bitch:

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.
Hugs are given with full knowledge that there is boobie against body. We're okay with this if you are. Bring on the boobies. Yeah!

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can’t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.
If you actually sleep the night in someone's bed then that's just asking for sex -instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can’t let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.
Sitting on the floor may give you haemarhoids, so seat sharing is okay if you understand that 'it' has a mind of its own and you still may end up with a bleeding anus (because haemarhoids make it bleed too. See what I did there?)

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.
This rule is completely irrelevant for me because I'm actually funny always. But flirting probably is bad and could lead to instant sex as punishment.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it’s the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.
There are two reasons why your opinion doesn't count and they're both on your chest.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.
There are two reasons why your opinion doesn't count and they're both on your chest.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It’s emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I’ll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.
Fee-lings? What is this foreign concept you speak of? Take you're lead from how the guys act on this one. Honesty is paramount.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.
Wait... if you know someone who wants sex you better hand over their number. And not complain about how they are treated -do we need to repeat the "two reasons" speech?

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I’m going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don’t even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.
Realise that guys don't compliment each other on looks -that's pretty fucking gay. But truthful statements like "you're possibly the most funny person ever" are okay, if not accompanied by flirting (see above -punishable by instant sex). Having said that, more compliments, more! My ego is never satisfied! But that could just be me.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don’t slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I’m a beautifully complex being.
This stuff, particularly if we know the guy, makes us uncomfortable and we're probably going to have to punish you for this by making bad calls. Hypothetical is hypothetically ok.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.
"Sex and beer, sex and beer are the two things we hold dear!" sings Pat McSomething-or-other in some song of his. Man-work requires reward with either one of these.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.
If both parties are okay with contact and know it means nothing then its fine. Otherwise, instant sex.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that’s a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldn’t your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren’t we dating again?
We've already kind of established this with the blowjob rule. Sex, beer or reciprocation. There's no such thing as a free lunch, or a massage.

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that’s just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.
If you choose to date someone, don't complain to us about them. Chances are, we don't care. You got yourself into the situation.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that’s what friends do.
There are two reasons...

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I’m only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.
When a guy is truly friends with a girl, he doesn't see them as a sexual being at all (this is assuming the above rules have been followed). Changing this will take a big effort, like getting your boobies out and smooshing them in his face. That should get the point across...

Actually, now reading through the revised rules I've decided it's impossible to write such a list without sounding emo. This sucks as all I wanted to do was introduce the idea of instant sex as a punishment...

In conclusion, something.