Apologies

Yesterday I was the most stressed I've ever been. I'm not as stressed anymore. My exam went ok -better than expected- so that's good. I would like to apologise to the following people for my stress-induced actions:

- Benny for trying to fight him constantly.
- Jamie for attacking him with the baseball bat and then chasing him down the corridor and throwing it at him.
- James and Tyson for trashing the double A.

But it all honesty, you guys were probably all asking for it, at least a little bit...

Tyson is a rascist

Through the time I have known Tyson he has always talked about the native Canadians, or "First Nations" as they are more correctly referred to, as a bunch of drunk, inbred, violent and retarded hicks with overbits. Apparently they all cousins, and they'll all stab you for making fun of indians. More importantly, none of them are hot. However, as recently spotted rock formation in Canada of an indian listening to an iPod suggests that maybe the First Nations have been underestimated by Tyson. It seems they managed to carve a massive head into a mountain range. The image appears below:



Now in this day and age of internet hoaxes I must point out that this is actually real and can be spotted with Google Earth, as this link confirms. Tyson, stop being so rascist. I fear for James' safety next year.

Benny hits me with a bat

It's guy fox season. We brought sparklers. Its hard to make videos at nite so benny hit me with a bat and we videoed it.

Super Heroes in our midst...

I'm bored, so I decided that if we were super heroes (or in Kate's case super villains) this is what it would probobly be like. God this was an amazing waste of time...

White men can't dance

Proof once and for all that a 20 box of ranfurly should not be imbimbed if you plan to get your groove on. Much respect though Al for trying, and to Jaclyn - wtf do u have a labcoat on for.
P.S. Watch Kate in the background totally oblivious. She must of had 4 sips of wine instead of 3.

Rape

Jamie attempted to mouth-rape me and kissed my chin. You can't say that counts as scoring. If anything it counts as sexual assualt. Now you wouldn't make fun of a girl if Jamie had ambushed her in the gardens and done some kinky bondage shit to her on the gates, so this should not be a joke.

Now you may say I'm taking this too far, but this most certainly counts as sexual violation under the Rape Crisis New Zealand criteria. It should also be noted that according to this website only 15% of sexual assault victims actually go to the police, so it seems I am in the silent majority, as sad as this is.

In a country where it is claimed that 1 in 4 women will experience sexual violence of some nature during their lives and the figures for men are considered only the tip of the iceberg due to societal pressures stopping men reporting it, monsters like Jamie must be labelled as what they are -rapists. If this man has assaulted you then please post your story in the comments -you're privacy and anonimity is guaranteed... kind of.



However, I don't know what Amy and Kate's excuses are. I guess they're just sluts.

Hygenix

Ok, this is probally a bit late to think bout this stuff my future flatmates have
- urinated in the fresh fruit section of a fridge
- urinated on a gf
- urinated on a bed
- been a coll boy
- tried to buy coke at copa
- scored jamie - no shit 3 flatmates really did - 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just really hope the others don't turn me n tyson feral.

Drinking age

So maybe the drinking age is going up. Maybe it isn't. Who knows, really? Maybe this site could help tell you how it's going (don't worry, it's not porn). Apparently it's all because of people actually under 18 being adversely affected by the law change...Like this cunt at age 17:



Lets for a moment look at the pros and cons of a law change:

Pros:
-we can sell homebrew to freshers for heaps.
-we can lure fresher girls into our flat with alcohol.
-we'll have Gardies and the Cook to ourselves.
-maybe the price of alcohol will go down with decreased demand?

Cons:
-we can get in lots of shit for supplying alcohol to minors.
-no slutty girls in KC's and Two Bears.
-would kinda destroy Knox and Scarfie culture.

In conclusion, there aren't enough drunk girls around at all. Sluts go off.

Tyson and i lay down sum Haiku's

Al is a poo head
wat he gonna do bout it
i guess just smell bad

no haiku's rite now
i have to work james, my friend
fuk off i said no

Tyson is a slut
he wants to have poo poo sex
he smells bad also

amy is a girl
no shit man, she has boobies
hellen has nice boobs

kate is great at stuff
like this and that and things too
i hope she can cook

when al gets laid next
we will hold a big party
the theme - als not gay

unless it's a guy
that he brings home to sleep with
that would be creepy

wen tyson gets laid
it wont be as exciting
cuz he has a girl

the theme could be though
"tyson gets it once a month"
and he favours bum

it wont work for kate
cuz she gets it, draught on tap
just like gardies drop

for amy, a theme?
i can see only one choice
"amy is a slut"

james is the token
he is not white but dark brown
but plz dont lynch him

the theme for his bash
he disputes with dull tyson
"james likes dogfart sluts"

is not a good theme
for james has never scored blonde
except gutter girl

Don't screw the crew

Okay guys, I know Amy's a bit of a slut but try and restrain yourselves. I don't want to walk in on you guys again and be forced to take another picture to put on the internet. Disgusting.

New Flatmate

Hooray!

As many of you probobly didn't know there is actually five bedrooms in the Pink Pearl. As of a short time ago we had only filled four of these. Unfortunately, we have now found another flatmate to fill this vancancy. Or rather she found us... It was actually kind of creepy really. Me and Alastair were quietly getting blackout drunk on a mini keg of some abstract russian beer (Baltika V) when WHAM! Out of nowhere Al had syphillus and Kate had appeared. She told us to call her Kate since to pronouce her real name we would have to dislocate our jaws and scream obscenities while choking on the blood we lost while cutting out our own tongues. We figured she must be foreign. Below is an artist's rendering of what this encounter actually looked like.

Disclaimer: Artist may have been drunk on mysterious/magical beer whilst experiencing the above situation. Also, artist may be generally retarded or "reality challenged."

Smurfette: Slut or misunderstood

Ok in a donnie darko inspired moment i stumbled across this on wikipedia; smurfette was a sex toy made of clay created by gargemal to lure the other smurfs back to his liar, where he could do things...., and stuff.... to them. This didn't work though as she had long spiky black hair which obviously was a representation of the fact she was a bitch. Thats when papa smurf took her in and showed her some smurf luvin, plus a hefty dose of plastic smurfery. This saved her and to symbolize her change her hair went blonde - i kid u not.
Porn isn't the only genre the smurfs have broken into, infact this video gives "band of brothers" a run for its money, i mean i fully get that war is bad and unicef good, but to show this by takin kids cartoon characters in their happy little village and then bombing the smurfs back into the stone age complete with wonton smurf genocide is awsomely random.
The basic jist of this blog being, smurfette probably tapped papa smurf, but back when she was a brunette, cause brunettes are sluts.

Strange happenings

Ummmm so I was walking past the chapel just then, and there was a ghost in their. But don't worry, he wasn't scary. It's not like I wet myself and had to run to my room to change. The ladies should know that I mastered the art of continence long ago (impressive aye?). Anyway so the ghost was actually a friendly ghost... I think. It definitely was no Casper -it was more friendly in a 'hey I'm retarded' kind of way. Like that first time you meet Jamie.
But then Jesus was there as well and he was like 'oi you ghost, what are you doing in my chapel?!' Then, even though it was sunny and the sun was actually in the chapel so it should have been like really hot and light, it went really dark and cold. Then Jesus started going all dragonball-z on the ghost and the whole chapel ended up getting flattened. So yeah, that's what happened. I took a photo:

Pirates and Whores

Ahoy Maties,

I was disappointed to learn that the flat warming I was most looking forward to this year is not happening. However the responsibility to host this party (themed pirates and whores) has been passed on to me. And what better flat to have it at than The Black Pearl (well thats if that name gets voted in and with other contenders such as (dare I say it) 'Amy is a slut' it is not certain). Hence I am warning you now so that you can get your costumes ready. Ninjas beware.

So I was in bed the other night thinking about this party and it hit me. Seems its a guy based flat why not have Pirates playing in the background - Im sure the guys (not you James as you will probably object to this as theres no Georges clad in football attire) will appreciate it. So after swearing to take photographic evidence of the night I am now left with setting a date and deciding on my costume.

P.s Tyson you should go as a whore - it will suit you better (love you)

Awwwww how cute!

Many of you will have heard about James' recent hot date to a secluded piece of New Zealand's pristine coastline for a romantic horse ride (those of you that haven't must be our random American visitors -it is good to see that we are already developing a halfcore -we're not quite hardcore yet- fanbase).

Obviously I decided to tag along and take photos, and one of the best is shown below. It is very candid because they did not know I was watching. Not that I'm a stalker or anything... everyone photographs their neighbours in the shower, right? Anyway, the photo (which is of very high quality by the way) -I have labelled it so it is more easy to see what I have drawn... I mean photographed:



See what I did there? I turned this whole post into an elaborate way of saying that James is whipped! How clever was that? I'd say about a seven.

i luv boys this much

8============================D

BIER MACHT FREI

HERZLICHEN WILKOMMEN BEI BIERGEN-BELSEN!




BIER HEIL!
BIER HEIL!
BIER HEIL!




p.s. this is not some neo-nazi type statement I'm trying to make here. It's more like, hey, Germans are famous for beer and Nazis, why not combine them for comical relief. And just because I could be an Aryan poster boy with the hair and the eyes and the German-speaking doesn't mean shit. I could do a gay porno too, but that doesn't mean I actually am gay. I have suspicions about Tyson though... on both the Nazi and the gay thing.

But in summary, I'm a family man at heart. Like peace and all that hippy shit -as the guys from 'Flight of the Conchords' say:

"Redheads not warheads; blondes not bombs, we're talking about brunettes not fighter jets -ohhhhhhhh it's gotta be sweet sixteens not F16s."

Except maybe for the redhead bit... And the sweet sixteens -that is way passed use-by date.

Drinking Games

When i decided to attend Otago i was swayed by several factors, namely gardies and cook are legendery and that cunt marc ellis said it was mean. What the brochures don't tell you is just how ingrained drinking is here. Looking back on the years highlights, Cookathon, Undie 500, dat nite jamie shat himself, dat nite jamie pissed on tysons bed then dry humped a block of cheese till he bled, the time at the cook - that covers quite a few nights, the bender, any nite with circle of death, Tim's flat warming - or so i heard, quiz nite (cook and knox) and black'n'white; all have one thing in common - alcohol. I forgot wat i was talkin bout. I think i was takin a sweeping tangent that would lead to this. I wanna set up a beiret(beer pong) league. In the states the national league has a 20,000 dollar first prize, and it looks like this game beats even "i hav never" hands down. In fact i am gonna c if i can get my wardrobe door off it's hinges to play, rite now.

Blog Wars

Tyson today has unleashed a monster, a terrible horrible monster that is so terrifying and scary it makes this seem insignificant(That by the way is a cheeseburger pizza, i know i had 2 change my pants too, off varisity.co.nz. Just the conception, utter brilliance. I bet they were disney imagineers, they think up that sort of shit for a living.)
But back 2 tyson, i truly fear that this blog will degenerate into a series of retalitory assualts after his questioning of my sexual orientation. Tyson you are a slut. There i said it. Second i hav a gf and as you and i are the only 2 in the flat that have not scored the same gender i feel the others are a better outlet for our homophobic sentiments. Thirdly we should make a macca's pizza, it looks mean.

I'm Infertile

Look guys,

Sorry to be unexciting or anything but I'm not having a baby named spike. As a child I wanted to be a carpenter and had an unfortunate accident while playing with a nail gun. Now my nail gun, so to speak, shoots blanks. Also, we all know that I lost my genitals (along with my self-worth and my dignity) when I started dating Laura. Besides, if I were to get Laura pregnant through some sort of immaculate conception, I would be the first to shove it in a toaster. Actually I'd probably just punch her in the ovaries before the bastard escaped his fleshy prison. While I'm ranting though, I think James likes boys... I'm glad Al's room is closer to his than mine.

Pet baby

Apparently we're getting a pet baby or something. Called spike (it hasn't earned a capital yet), I think. I don't like this idea. First of all, if Tyson doesn't hurry up and get Laura knocked up, we won't get the baby till like 2nd semester next year, at which point there won't be much time to teach it some sweet tricks (like opening our beer bottles by teething on them).

Spike, the first time me and you are home alone, you're going in the toaster. Slut.

Procrastination

This has to be one of the best forms of procrastination around. I bet the number of bloggers spike during exam periods and then get abandoned soon after. Not this one though. We're in it for the long haul. Like this long ____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________ => (it keeps going more)

That's pretty long, but still small in comparison to what I'm packing in my pants. A huge shit because I shit myself. Nah just kidding I'm not Jamie.

Anyway, toxic megacolon won't learn itself. It will swell and burst, filling the abdominal cavity with shit. Yay for med school knowledge.

The Flat Mates

First up Tyson

Canadian by birth with the accompanying hippy mentality, clothing and smell.















Then there is Amy, a luvable girl from a town were 75% of sexually active teenagers have an STI.

And al and james, two welly boys dat luv ranfurly, vodka and their appendages.

then theres the fifth flat mate, a creature so scary i dearnt mention it's name.

The Gong

Many moons ago in a mythical land called taiwan a mighty gong was forged from the fires of asia land. This magical creature traveled the deepest, darkest corners of the world before coming to rest on trade me. That is where we join it on our journey and through fierce bidding it was secured. Its purpose was obvious, a sex gong to be rung to high heaven after copius copulation. mmm copulation. namely it was decreed that all who got snoo snoo in the flat must ring said bell the next morn. luv the gong.

Our flat 2007

Dunedin, home of gardies, the cook and the university that supports them. Since 2005 knox has been our base in dunedin but now my mates and i are finally heading out into the world of flatting. Our aim, pass our degrees, get magnificantly drunk and not die.

So for next year our abode is sorted... mean.